Dear Friends, given the perilous state of our world and life's uncertainty I thought I'd help out by cashing in on the religious market and recycle a religion worshiped by the Ancient Egyptians.
Look, call me old-fashioned, call me daring, but know that flattery will get you everywhere. No one, to my knowledge, has tried to introduce an Egyptian religion into the twenty-first century. Am I a trailblazer or what? I might even get into the Guinness Book of Records (or the Old Bailey)!
I've done my homework. To have a successful religion, one needs to go back in time at least a couple of thousand years. It my case, I'm going back 3,000 years so that I can claim top anachronistic status. You also need some musty old manuscripts or, even better, obscure words carved in stone. There's plenty of that stuff in the various tombs of the Pharaohs and on temple pillars in Karnak and Luxor.
In my case, controversially, I'm marketing a female God, called a Goddess. That should surely make lots of women happy. Thanks to me half of the world's population have finally got a female called Sereket The One sitting on a heavenly throne and she's willing to do a deal especially for them I just know it.
Now our Sereket, who is a nifty-looking bird you'll agree, was part of the Ancient Empire of Eygpt (yes, the one of Antony and Cleopatra fame) and her gold-gilt likeness was found in the tomb of Tutankhamen which gives her credibility. Sereket was originally a healing goddess who treats the bites of reptiles. Her emblem is a scorpion which will make the Star Sign people happy.
Interestingly, Sereket, Isis, Nephthys, and Neith were considered to be the four protective goddesses of the canopic jars of the mummified viscera, or embalmed internal organs (the yukky things vital for eternal life). But please note the spooky healing of snake bites by Sereket and the obvious connection with the Garden of Eden and the wicked snake who tempted Eve and caused her downfall and that of everyone else who followed. Sereket alone holds the key to the spiritual universe, to heaven, to the Holy Ghostesses, etc, believe you me! Don't ask me to prove it - these things are beyond the comprehension of man or woman (makes mysterious sign).
Now, as Daniel, the Newly Annointed and Appointed Exalted High Priest of Sereket (DNAAEHPOS), let me tell you what is on offer for nubile females. If you become a believer and sell everything you have and transfer it into my name and follow me, I can promise you...well, let's see...eternal life which also includes a special offer of an endless party with infinite food and grog. You will not have to pay taxes or vote ever again or grow old and have to get cosmetic surgery which costs a motza and doesn't last very long.
As well, for a short time only, you will be given a bottle of holy pills that will guarantee countless hours of multiple orgasms so you'll no longer have to rely upon unreliable, premature men. You'll also get a phial of blonde hair colour that will be permanent as well as an ointment that removes unwanted hair forever AND puts inches on, or takes them off, your bust.
Yes, roll up, roll up. Sereket The One awaits but Daniel is in the here and now. Cheques and bankcard are acceptable! This offer is limited and may be changed without notice.
May it please Sereket, She Who Knows All, to smile upon you and yours!