Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I'm Starting Up An Old Religion!



Dear Friends, given the perilous state of our world and life's uncertainty I thought I'd help out by cashing in on the religious market and recycle a religion worshiped by the Ancient Egyptians.

Look, call me old-fashioned, call me daring, but know that flattery will get you everywhere. No one, to my knowledge, has tried to introduce an Egyptian religion into the twenty-first century. Am I a trailblazer or what? I might even get into the Guinness Book of Records (or the Old Bailey)!


I've done my homework. To have a successful religion, one needs to go back in time at least a couple of thousand years. It my case, I'm going back 3,000 years so that I can claim top anachronistic status. You also need some musty old manuscripts or, even better, obscure words carved in stone. There's plenty of that stuff in the various tombs of the Pharaohs and on temple pillars in Karnak and Luxor.

In my case, controversially, I'm marketing a female God, called a Goddess. That should surely make lots of women happy. Thanks to me half of the world's population have finally got a female called Sereket The One sitting on a heavenly throne and she's willing to do a deal especially for them I just know it.

Now our Sereket, who is a nifty-looking bird you'll agree, was part of the Ancient Empire of Eygpt (yes, the one of Antony and Cleopatra fame) and her gold-gilt likeness was found in the tomb of Tutankhamen which gives her credibility. Sereket was originally a healing goddess who treats the bites of reptiles. Her emblem is a scorpion which will make the Star Sign people happy.

Interestingly, Sereket, Isis, Nephthys, and Neith were considered to be the four protective goddesses of the canopic jars of the mummified viscera, or embalmed internal organs (the yukky things vital for eternal life). But please note the spooky healing of snake bites by Sereket and the obvious connection with the Garden of Eden and the wicked snake who tempted Eve and caused her downfall and that of everyone else who followed. Sereket alone holds the key to the spiritual universe, to heaven, to the Holy Ghostesses, etc, believe you me! Don't ask me to prove it - these things are beyond the comprehension of man or woman (makes mysterious sign).

Now, as Daniel, the Newly Annointed and Appointed Exalted High Priest of Sereket (DNAAEHPOS), let me tell you what is on offer for nubile females. If you become a believer and sell everything you have and transfer it into my name and follow me, I can promise you...well, let's see...eternal life which also includes a special offer of an endless party with infinite food and grog. You will not have to pay taxes or vote ever again or grow old and have to get cosmetic surgery which costs a motza and doesn't last very long.

As well, for a short time only, you will be given a bottle of holy pills that will guarantee countless hours of multiple orgasms so you'll no longer have to rely upon unreliable, premature men. You'll also get a phial of blonde hair colour that will be permanent as well as an ointment that removes unwanted hair forever AND puts inches on, or takes them off, your bust.

Yes, roll up, roll up. Sereket The One awaits but Daniel is in the here and now. Cheques and bankcard are acceptable! This offer is limited and may be changed without notice.

May it please Sereket, She Who Knows All, to smile upon you and yours!

Photo Link.

20 comments:

Nancy said...

We cat owners already worship the Egyptian goddess Bast!
(she provides ape caretakers for her feline children)
You get purrs, headbutts and free mouse removal as a worshiper...

Daniel said...

Sereket will tolerate no other goddesses. She alone is all powerful! She alone giveth and taketh away.

Take heed before a plague of scorpions rains down upon your head, Nancy.

Damian Zerek said...

But Daniel, what happens when Amun-Ra gets pissed? I think that Isis deserves more attention... haha my Goddess is better than yours! She will smiteth you!

Daniel said...

Amun-Ra has disgraced himself with his Greek wine drinking and Isis is a floozy!

Sereket The One stands alone and is not mocked! Repent, Damian, while there is time.

Nancy said...

cats eat scorpions. they are gods, themselves. My Cat Goddess would consider the plague a free lunch buffet!

Lucyp said...

Throw in a pair of practical but stylish shoes and you got a deal.

Daniel said...

Sereket is not pleased that your cat eats scorpions, Nancy. I will try to put in a good word for it but I can't promise anything!

Lucy, will shoes covered in a thin layer of the finest gold be suitable?

Nancy said...

gizmo is actually fonder of mice and bugs, but a desert cat (the ancestor of the house cat) can kill a snake and scorpion with equal ease.
We'll not molest any of your Goddess' friends though.

Neo said...

By Goddess Dan I have rubbed off on you. I actually incorperate much Egyptian philosophy in my own workings and have just booked a trip to Egypt. How strange. I feel like you and I are somehow in tune. Have been for a long time.
Much love always
Zoe XXX

P.s Great Post!

Daniel said...

Thanks for your assurance, Nancy. Sereket is pleased! There is rejoicing in Heaven.

Ah, Zoe, we all dance to one tune or another. I loved Egypt and have been there three or four times. May Sereket reward you richly in this life and the next.

Love and hugs to you both! XXXXXXXXX

Mary Walsh said...

Now is your Goddess a Virgin, and therefore will leave no small Christ, or is she too, miraculous like Mary, the Virgin Mother of Jesus?

Is she alone, responsible for the spawning of all those who claim to be God's chosen people of all the other children in the playground?

Do we need yet another religion to muddy the already murky waters of civilization that has killed billions of people in its name.

As religion is just another form of control through politics, together with core and non core promises, I don't believe even you Daniel!

If you're good you'll get a candy in heaven!! or perhaps look at God 's face for ever and ever and ever.


I'm so cynical these days that even as first in the queue I am still able to blame you for all the mess we're in today in the world.

If you'd never start the fad of religion we'd have only politicians to deal with acting as Gods in their old making!!!

Daniel said...

"I don't believe even you, Daniel." I'm deeply hurt,Mary. Anyway, my new name is DNAAEHPOS. Spiffy isn't it, kind of Greek sounding?

And WHY wouldn't you believe me? Billions believe equally absurd things told to them by other charlatans. Not that I'm a charlatan of course. I'm Sereket's Chosen One who came to Earth to lead the people to the Promised Land.

I hope I don't meet an unpleasant end!

Granny said...

I think I'm with Nancy on Bast.

Thanks for the comment on IAB. I was glad to see WA back as well.

Daniel said...

The ape caretakers, Granny: one of them is loose in the White House! I'll send Sereket a message, in code.

Bast needs to be brought into line!

Nancy said...

Bast is only responsible for the feline's welfare, not that of the ape caretakers. Her Feline Children may have individual relationships with the Apes, which helps redemm the inferior species.
(ack, what tosh)

Davo said...

"" ..let me tell you what is on offer for nubile females. If you become a believer and sell everything you have and transfer it into my name and follow me, I can promise you...well, let's see...eternal life which also includes a special offer of an endless party with infinite food and grog."

Whoo hoo, Daniel, where do i sign up?

But, as a basically honest person, have to tell you that if I sold everything I own, you wouldn't get much .. heh.

Daniel said...

Nancy, Sereket knows what is in your heart, your every thought! Tosh surely is not a word She approves of.

Davo, from your photo, I see that nubility is not one of your attributes! And money neither! Do you have an insurance policy?

Blessings my children.

Davo said...

Drat, must have mis-read it .. I thought you were offering ME eternal life, nubile females and endless food and grog. mm, might just take my penurious pittance back to the temple of trees.

Daniel said...

Look, in your case, Sereket might make an acceptance, Davo. Now about that insurance policy...

Davo said...

Insurance policy .. umm, is that akin to forking out a large amount of money (bit by bit, over many years, of course) to some shonky corporation or other .. hoping that one will collect the payoff after I'm dead?? Sounds like dubious logic .. unless, of course YOU run the "insurance" policy .. umm, no thanks Sereket, might just take me chances while still alive.

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