Wednesday, July 25, 2007

AUSTRALIAN-MADE? FORGET IT!

"Australians hard at work in Bondi."

A study carried out by the University of New England has found that migrants are better educated and healthier than citizens born here and they also make a significant contribution economically because of their work ethic and/or their ties with the country of their birth.

The implications of this study are profound. It suggests that Australian born people are part of a growing inferior class but why? What happens to migrants once they come here and get over the initial 'putting down roots' stage? Their kids, it seems, quickly fall off the vine and join the rest of us over-weight, work-avoiding, beer-drinking, pot-smoking, sun-loving, sport-crazed, politically-apathetic party animals.

Our Prime Minister John Howard, who is struggling badly in the pre-election polls, will surely spring into action immediately as he did recently over a report into child molestation in many Aboriginal settlements. Again he will send in the army, probably order them to go street by street demanding to see birth certificates.

He'll round up all those born here, all 20 odd million of us, and assign us to re-education camps! "You shameful lot," he'll tell us, "unlike me, you don't deserve to be here. If you don't smarten up I'll send you back to the country of your ancestors quick smart and fill Australia with bloody migrants! The place will boom, go gang-busters. The tax take will be incredible. I'll be able to buy my way back into office for decades. I'll be known the world over not as The Great Unknown but as the The Little Saviour, the Bill Gates of world politics."

Using storm troopers, he'll institute a rigid diet, compulsory exercise and theology classes, Howard-adoration meditation meetings complete with Gospel Singers, ban alcohol and grass and blogging and sport and sex, bring back corporal punishment, use floggings and waterboarding on recalcitrants who refuse to worship capitalism or...

I think I can hear a tank coming! Gotta go.

Now where's my birth certificate and the matches...

13 comments:

Neil Shakespeare said...

LOL! Funny piece. But immigrants aren't your biggest problem. It's that emigrant, Rupert Murdoch. Australia wans't big enough for him, apparently. No, he had to fuck up the whole world! Well, just like Bush, come to think of it. Say, you wouldn't want Bush down there, would you? Could you take him off our hands? Pretty please? We'll send along a few hundred cases of beer...

Daniel said...

You expect us to put up with Howard AND Bush? Do you have no compassion at all, Neil?

Marta said...

ha, ha, ha! this post is hylarious and your blog is geat! (is that because I wasn't born here?)

Thanks for your visit and I'll be visiting you, too!

pissed off patricia said...

Neil, I think you are being just too mean to daniel. Do we want Howard here? I think we all have enough problems without combining evils. ;)

Daniel said...

Marta, welcome to the Ark. I'll put your link on my blog. With a marvellous title like THE BOOK OF SAND I'm sure you'll get lots of visits!

Thanks for your compassion, Patricia!

No said...

Does anyone in Australia like Howard? How in the hell did he ever get elected?

Daniel said...

Same way as Bush, No: lies, bribes, fear-mongering, etc.

Coffee Messiah said...

The whole world is full of "dumbth"
How sad for all of us that we neglect the chance to better ourselves with knowledge.

I don't envy you, he may be bush's twin for all we know, separated at birth! ; (

Damian Zerek said...

Hello... I have decided that a vacation is in order and despite all that happens in the world I need to get away from it all... It can sometimes overwhelm a guy... I will be back in september!

Cheers Mate and keep spreading the truth!

Daniel said...

Unfortunately, Coffee, knowledge doesn't seem to overcome our primitive nature!

Damian, have a great and safe vacation!

betmo said...

welcome to america! oh- you were talking about australia- my bad. :)

MICKY said...

The problem with Australia is the fact it is so isolated from the rest of the world. Australians, don't have a sense of humour and their films and TV shows are an embarrassment. All you hear on the radio is Allan Jones, saying, "Are you over 35 and have trouble urinating"?

Daniel said...

Betmo and Micky, thanks for your input. Australia, like America, is both isolated and parochial. Can't see it changing!

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