A study carried out by the University of New England has found that migrants are better educated and healthier than citizens born here and they also make a significant contribution economically because of their work ethic and/or their ties with the country of their birth.
The implications of this study are profound. It suggests that Australian born people are part of a growing inferior class but why? What happens to migrants once they come here and get over the initial 'putting down roots' stage? Their kids, it seems, quickly fall off the vine and join the rest of us over-weight, work-avoiding, beer-drinking, pot-smoking, sun-loving, sport-crazed, politically-apathetic party animals.
Our Prime Minister John Howard, who is struggling badly in the pre-election polls, will surely spring into action immediately as he did recently over a report into child molestation in many Aboriginal settlements. Again he will send in the army, probably order them to go street by street demanding to see birth certificates.
He'll round up all those born here, all 20 odd million of us, and assign us to re-education camps! "You shameful lot," he'll tell us, "unlike me, you don't deserve to be here. If you don't smarten up I'll send you back to the country of your ancestors quick smart and fill Australia with bloody migrants! The place will boom, go gang-busters. The tax take will be incredible. I'll be able to buy my way back into office for decades. I'll be known the world over not as The Great Unknown but as the The Little Saviour, the Bill Gates of world politics."
Using storm troopers, he'll institute a rigid diet, compulsory exercise and theology classes, Howard-adoration meditation meetings complete with Gospel Singers, ban alcohol and grass and blogging and sport and sex, bring back corporal punishment, use floggings and waterboarding on recalcitrants who refuse to worship capitalism or...
I think I can hear a tank coming! Gotta go.
Now where's my birth certificate and the matches...