Der Fuhrer Iss Kerplonken!

Friends, after the APEC Summit, our illustrious Prime Minister has suffered a rare moment of uncertainty. Many of his loyal supporters in his party have said they don't want him as leader, that he is more an electoral liability than an asset.

Now to a man like Herr Howard, this amounts to treason, something punishable by death. Not just any death but a slow, lingering death, perhaps hanging over low coals for a few weeks or the steady drip, drip of months of water torture.

John, you see, like to be in control. Not for him silly consensus, secret ballots, let's all be friends - that's for pansies. John loves black and white: he is white and anyone who opposes him is covered in the deepest black. John likes those who are under him (I'm not sure whether this also applies to women) to, when he cries, "Jump!" ask, while engaged in furious forelock-tugging, "How high, Mien Kunning Kaiser?"

The result is that this morning a party room meeting was held and John laid the law down. "I ain't going nowhere, Dumbkoffunderlinks, " he is said to have said. "And if you continue with this CrapHimmlerdonnerblitzen, Der Rooff will on you Kerplonken! Kaputt!"

Following the meeting, white-faced legions of the infinitely shaken went to great pains to explain to the media their unshakable, eons-old loyalty to their Hero and the fervent belief that, with him as Supreme Leaderhausen, they could win the totally unwinnable election and valk on wasser.

I will advise further. Heil Mien Fuhrer!